


Orc Talk

by rinonucuthalion



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Gen, Humor, Implied Violence, Insulting Language, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-07
Updated: 2015-05-07
Packaged: 2018-03-29 12:15:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3895963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rinonucuthalion/pseuds/rinonucuthalion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone has radio news shows, don't they? Even the orcs. Gorak from Lugburz gives his opinion on the War, the economy, and the local sporting events.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Music plays, then fades out._

All right now! Listen up, you lot! This is Gorak from Lugburz. Before we get started, I've got a quick message from the northern front.

As you know, our allies in Isengard beat the Strawheads at the river fords a few days ago, killing the king's son. Well, now reports say that they've trapped Theoden and his nephew in one of their fortresses, and they're gonna blow 'im to bits with Orthanc-fire!

While a bunch of Strawheads getting knocked off would be good news any day, it's really good now, because this way Theoden can't possibly slow down our glorious march against Gondor. If they light their little beacon-fires, they'll be rather upset when, instead of Strawhead cavalry, they see wolf-riders pouring out of the west! How sad . . . he he he he! We're expecting to hear more details at Lord Saruman's monthly press conference tomorrow.

And now for our weather report . . . oh wait, we're orcs.  _We don't care about the weather!_ Seriously though, the ash cloud over the northwestern Stinking Desert will be down for maintenance Friday morning. Anyone out there without orders has only himself to blame if the sun burns him to a crisp.

I probably don't need to remind you that the Spear Festival starts this Saturday evening. We had nine killed in the trophy fights last year, and everyone's looking forward to even more blood this time! Our masters have generously decided to subsidize this event: warriors and laborers can get in for only two coppers, and that's good for all three days. We are also expecting performances from several top Southron drill teams, including Spinning Death and the Caraxan Cobras.

In economic news . . . in his speech yesterday at the STA, the Witch-King spoke about the housing crisis.

_A few words are heard in the Black Speech, then an interpreter's voice:_

"Due to the shortage of barracks space, all soldiers fighting on the Western Front are required not to burn any captured buildings without written permission. To obtain permission, fill out Form Az-0193-KdGh in duplicate, and send one copy to the Communications office at the Sorcerer's Tower and the other copy to your unit commander."

_Gorak resumes:_

Besides that, it doesn't make any sense to burn buildings that are going to be ours soon.

He also told us that enemy spies are counterfeiting the money of the unstoppable Mordorian Empire. I will remind you that the penalty for passing fake coins, on purpose or not, is death by drowning.

Healthy slaves closed at thirty-nine and a half, beef carcasses closed at sixteen, and pig iron closed at twenty-two and three quarters.

Finally, there are unconfirmed reports that the infamous Captain Faramir has been killed by our soldiers in the River City.

This is Gorak, signing off - and remember, the Eye is watching you!

_Music plays._


	2. Chapter 2

_Music plays, then fades out._

Hello, it's me again, Gorak from Lugburz. I have an urgent message for all servants of the Eye.

Lord Saruman hasn't held his monthly press conference, and has also refused to answer all messages from Lugburz. Higher Up is very bothered and has instructed all forces not to trust any Isengarders. Not like we would have trusted them anyway.

Rumors that the White City will be saved by armies of tiny warriors from the north are treasonous and false. Seriously. Tiny warriors? What have you been drinking?

The third annual Wounded Warriors banquet will be held tomorrow in the Hall of Plunder. The guests of honor this year will be twenty-two orcs crippled in the River City fighting. Barbeque sauce will be provided.

I have just been handed a news update. Let me see . . . ha ha! It's good news! Our mighty armies have taken the causeway forts, and it seems that Captain Faramir has been killed. I know that you're all tired of hearing about Captain Faramir's death, but this has the ring of truth. After all, this is no news report from Higher Up, this comes from one of our own correspondents.

If this is true, then who'll save the White City from our victorious hordes? I will remind our Gondorian listeners that Denethor is a wasted old man. When did he last do anything for his city? And this White Rider character - what do you know about him? He's a wizard. He only cares about you as long as you serve his purposes. Where has _he_  been, anyway, for the last ten years, while you've shed your blood in a hopeless attempt to hold the river?

You can't trust either the Steward or the Wizard. Theoden of Rohan is dead, and his armies will not come to save you. We know that you've lit your little beacons, but no help has come. If you doubt the power of the Dark Lord to destroy you, just look out the window. Even the weather is no match for him.

You have only one hope. Lay down your arms, and your lives will be spared, all except Denethor, the White Wizard, and the rest of the ruling elite. Decide quickly, because our Angmar Project has finally produced a siege weapon so mighty that your gates don't stand a chance.

For our Mordorian listeners, I have an announcement from the Chemical Department. All servants of the Eye are commanded to save leftover bones, animal and human. They are needed for fertilizer.

Healthy slaves closed at thirty-six, beef carcasses at nineteen and a half, and pig iron at twenty-seven. HellForge Industries has failed to meet its spearhead contract, and will be financially dissolved. Its chief officer will also be dissolved.

This is Gorak, signing off - I hope to make my next broadcast from the White Tower itself. Remember, the Eye is watching you!

_Music plays._


	3. Chapter 3

_Music plays, then fades out._

This is Gorak, and I've got something very important to tell you. We've been tricked. Our former allies, the Corsairs of Umbar, have sold their armies to the highest bidder. As it happened, this time the highest bidder was Aragorn, a mercenary from the north. This Aragorn is very dangerous, and Higher Up thinks that he's backed by wealthy elvish landowners.

Since he's such a serious problem, he has been put at Number Three on Mordor's Most Wanted, behind only Baggins and the White Wizard. I shall remind you that Captains Boromir and Faramir are no longer Numbers Two and Three on that list. They are  _dead!_ Rumors that the soldiers from the boats were led by Faramir and his Forest Rangers are treasonous and false!

It is not currently known what kind of game Saruman thinks he's playing, but he seems to have let Theoden and his Strawheads slip through his fingers. His punishment will be memorable. Theoden is confirmed to be dead on the battlefield, but our intelligence network reports that his jailbird nephew has been crowned to replace him. All hail, King of the Mark. Do yourself a favor and go back north where you belong.

The Lord of the Nazgul is  _not_  dead; he's only had a bit of an accident which has left him without a body for now. He was stabbed in the back by Theoden's niece. Remember, the Witch-King has promised that those who take advantage of his absence to cause trouble will wish they had never been spawned when he gets his body back.

The Witch-King was not  _at all_ injured by any tiny warriors! What will it take to beat this tiny warrior delusion out of your stupid skulls?

It seems likely that Aragorn and King Eomer are counter-attacking with about seven thousand men. If you don't think we can win that battle, obtain a copy of the latest Order of Battle from the Strategy Department. Seven thousand men won't even be enough to give everyone one good meal.

The Smoking Mountain is predicted to erupt again today. All servants of the Eye in sector Three Northwest are to follow shelter-in-place procedures.

And now for our economic news . . . The Mouth of Sauron has announced strict wage and price controls. He also reminded us that the Money Department is  _not_  tampering with the currency; it still contains just as much good metal as before. Anyone caught price-gouging or striking for higher pay will be melted down for lard - alive!

Healthy slaves closed at forty-two, beef carcasses at twenty-six and three quarters, and pig iron at thirty-four and a half. The rate on Mordor debt has gone up to six and a half per year due to rumors that it will be restructured. These rumors are treasonous and false. Integrated Toxins has won the contract for Sorcerer's Tower arrow-poisons this year.

This is Gorak signing off from Lugburz -  _The Eye is watching you! All of you!_

_Music plays._


	4. Chapter 4

_Cheerful music plays, then fades out._

_Gorak is suddenly perky, as a normal radio DJ would be. The reason is fairly obvious: he has a new show, and it is much less stressful._

Hello everyone, this is Gorak on KJRD 98.4, your home for goblin-themed music, news, and talk shows, broadcasting twenty-four hours a day from Moria. The Dead Air Warning in tunnels 16, 26, and 27 has been downgraded to a Code Yellow, thanks to the brave and well-paid efforts of our ventilation goblins.

Tomorrow the King is expected to announce his new immigration policy. Although specific details are not available, it is believed that homeless orcs from Mordor will be able to buy their way in at reduced prices.

Those of you who listen to Radio Erebor may have noticed a bit of smugness from them recently. I will remind them that breaking a siege isn't the same thing as winning a big victory. After all, we broke their siege last time they came after us, and they still celebrate it as a victory. Of course, they killed our king that time, but we killed both their kings this time. Anyway, none of that matters, because the important thing is we hold the Mansion of the Dwarves and they don't. If that bothers them, they are welcome to drop by for a visit. We'll take them, Shadowfire or no Shadowfire.

Tonight at eight-thirty, we'll be broadcasting live from the Learning Hall, where Dr. Hargrash will be continuing his five-part series on taking care of your money. Tonight's speech is called, "Diversifying Your Hoard through Mine Shares and Commodities Certificates." Don't miss it, folks.

In two days, KJRD will be hosting a feast at the station's Gathering Hall. They will provide food, games, live music, and ballots for the Third Annual Eriador's Best Radio Station contest. Vote early. Vote often. Bring friends.

This is Gorak, signing off from Moria - and guess what, the Eye isn't watching us anymore! Hah hah!

_Cheerful music resumes._


End file.
